Santa Claus to be Indicted on 27 Billion Counts of Copyright Violation
by Mary Christmas
Washington DC – Government officials have announced today that Santa Claus, aka Christopher Cringle, has been indicted on over 27 billion counts of copyright violation. Claus has been operating a sweatshop manufacturing counterfeit goods from a remote northern location for as long as anyone can remember. The indictment came after years of pressure from the retail industry and Mr. Cringle’s repeated and flagrant disregard for copyright law.
“It’s a good day for small businesses in America,” said industry representative Kathleen O’Donnell. “Local businesses provide jobs that fuel the economy and purchase goods from manufacturers. This guy has an unparalleled supply of free labor and one of the most sophisticated distribution networks we’ve ever seen. He kept making imitations of our products – and we couldn’t compete.”
Until now. News of the indictment has already sent shockwaves across the country, with many malls and department stores pulling their Santa displays in a show of solidarity with their retail brethren. Even Coca-Cola has severed their lucrative endorsement of the holiday icon. From Coca-Cola’s official press release: “We at Coke are shocked and appalled at the behavior of Mr. Claus. We had no idea that such a jovial person could be a criminal mastermind.”
Santa is being tried under Title 17 Chapter 5 of the United States code. Each offense carries a maximum criminal fine of 2,500 dollars, not including civil liability, which means he could be on the hook for as much as 67.5 trillion dollars in fines. One unnamed government official said, “These violations have a statute of limitations of five years; these indictments are all from recent activity. In all honesty this man has caused incalculable damage to American business over the years and we just had to act.”
Santa is not yet in government custody, but a manhunt is already underway and officials are “optimistic” he will be apprehended soon. It appears that the only way Santa Claus will be coming to town this year, is in handcuffs.
